★

Contrary to popular belief, and in the face of dwindling commercial receipts, there are still a few terrific superhero films being made. Films like Blue Beetle, for instance. The sort you suspect would have performed much better had they enjoyed release back in the halcyon days of the early 2010s. Madame Web does not exist in this category. When it flops – and it will flop – superhero fatigue ain’t the reason. It is, let’s be very clear, not simply a rubbish comic book flick but a diabolical feature in its own right. There’s either a thrilling behind the scenes story here or Sony put way too much faith in the director of thirty-seven episodes of Doctors.

Now, to her credit, S. J. Clarkson has achieved a great many things since her Doctors days. It’s an impressive CV that boasts Succession, Ugly Betty and Heroes. And yet, the once popular daytime fixture warrants mention here. Why so? Because that’s exactly what Madame Web looks, sounds, and feels like: a wildly expensive early afternoon soap opera. Dreadful dialogue, from the writers of – whisper it – Morbius, comes compounded by heinously stilted performances and gimmicky direction. The lighting is artificial, the score soupy and the ADR laden. There is a character here whose entire script appears to have been re-recorded in post production. It’s like watching a cheap dub of some foreign language B-movie.

Right from the off, a 1973 opening plays out in a rainforest no more convincing as Peru than the Blue Peter garden. A pregnant scientist-cum-explorer (Kerry Bishé) is betrayed by her Peruvian security intel (Tahar Rahim’s Ezekiel) the moment she lays her hands on a spider with super-venom. He swipes the spidey and shoots the Doc in her sternum. Ouch. Don’t forget, she’s pregnant. As he leaves, a tribe of spider-worshipping supes deliver the baby but fail to save mum. Thirty years later, Cassandra ‘Cassie’ Webb is a paramedic in an unconvincing Manhattan. She’s played by Dakota Johnson, who is either the best thing about the film or zoned out and collecting the cheque, depending on your point of view.

Cassie is just your average girl next door. A foster system kid who banters by day and dolefully flicks through her late mother’s possessions by night. She says things like ‘hope the spiders were worth it mom’ and would rather feed stray cats at home than attend baby showers. When an accident at work nearly ends the film early, Cassie finds herself imbued with psychic abilities. Fortunately for her, this allows her to see future tragedies before they happen and prevent them. Unfortunately for us, this demands we watch dire set pieces unfold twice.

It doesn’t help that the crux of the plot depends on our caring for the three deeply bland teenagers Cassie takes under her wing. Ezekiel has had a vision that the trio will one day be his doom and determines to wipe them out. Only clairvoyant Cassie stands in his way. Sydney Sweeney, Celeste O’Connor and Isabela Merced are promising talents but wasted here and not yet so assured in their craft to elevate flat material. It’s a slight narrative and quickly bores. Warner Bros. would have written it off for the tax perks. Sony missed a trick.

There are one or two amusing instances – some intentional, some less so – but far from enough. Let’s not forget, Venom, too, was dreadful but achieved delirium through the power of its own ridiculous personality. Madame Web has no personality. It has a clutch of egregious product placements and some of the worst displays of CPR ever committed to film. Don’t try that at home. Don’t watch this at home either.

T.S.